Be the Pilot: How Parents Can Regulate Themselves to Help Their Athletes Thrive

Here’s a parent-friendly guide from Dr. Tony Tucci, PsyD (Director of Psychology at Impact Sports Lab) on how to be the pilot—not the turbulence—for your athlete’s performance.

When your athlete competes, they’re flying the plane. Your job? Be the calm, steady pilot in the other seat—managing your own nervous system so you don’t create crosswinds (sideline coaching, anxious facial cues, tense body language) that push them off course.

Why this matters

Research consistently shows that how parents behave and communicate around games shapes kids’ enjoyment, confidence, and stress. Coaching from the sidelines and heavy post-game “debriefs” (especially in the car ride home) are common pressure points linked to more anxiety and less fun. Studies of parent–child sport interactions highlight that:

• Sideline behaviors and parent emotions can spill over to athletes, affecting their experience and performance. ScienceDirect+1

• The car ride before/after games is a sensitive window; sport-related talk can easily feel evaluative and increase pressure. utoronto.scholaris.ca+2ScienceDirect+2

• Interventions aimed at improving spectator behavior (less yelling/coaching, more support) can reduce problems and improve the environment. PMC

  
  

Three actionable steps to reduce anxiety and boost performance

1) Regulate first: Calm body → calm voice → calm sideline

Before you leave the house and again at the field:

• 60-second reset: Inhale through the nose 4s, hold 2s, long exhale 6–8s; relax jaw/shoulders; soften your gaze. Repeat x5.

• Pick a cue word (“Steady,” “Support”) and a neutral stance (hands unclenched, shoulders down).

• Goal for the day (yours, not theirs): “I will be calm and non-directive.”

Why it works: Parents who manage their own arousal and emotions provide the conditions for kids to enjoy, learn, and perform—core targets in the sport-parenting research. ScienceDirect+1

2) Cheer, don’t steer: The Sideline Gold Standard

During play:

• No technical instructions. Reserve “Move left / shoot / pass” for coaches. Use supportive, effort-focused phrases only (“Love your hustle,” “Keep battling,” “Next play!”).

• Face = safe. Keep your facial expression relaxed (no winces, head shakes, or eye-rolls).

• Hands in pockets rule (if you tend to gesture or tense up).

Why it works: Spectator “coaching,” yelling at refs, and critical commentary are repeatedly flagged as problematic; reducing these behaviors improves the youth sport climate. PMC+1

3) Fix the car-ride: Simple, short, athlete-led

Right after games (car ride home):

• Two-Question Max (curious, not corrective):

  1. “Did you have fun?”

  2. “Do you want anything from me right now—food, quiet, or a high-five?”

• Defer analysis 24 hours (or until your athlete brings it up). If they want to talk, mirror and validate (“You felt frustrated after that play—makes sense”). Save teaching for a planned time later.

Why it works: Multiple studies show the car ride is a sensitive period where performance talk can feel evaluative and heighten stress. Keeping it athlete-led and minimal prevents pressure from spiraling. utoronto.scholaris.ca+2ScienceDirect+2

What to say (and not say)

Instead of: “Why did you make that pass?”Try: “I loved your effort. Want to decompress or chat later?”

Instead of: “Next time, shoot sooner.”Try: “Proud of how you kept competing. Anything you need from me?”

Instead of: “We have to talk about turnovers.”Try: “Let’s grab a snack. If you want feedback later, I’m here.”

Quick checklist for game day

• I regulated my breathing and body language (calm = contagious).

• I used Cheer, don’t steer on the sidelines (supportive only).

• I kept the car-ride short, kind, and athlete-led.

Credible resources & further reading

• Parenting in Youth Sport – Position Paper on Parenting Expertise (Harwood & Knight, 2015): What effective sport parenting looks like and why it matters. ScienceDirect+1

• Parent–Child Car-Ride Interactions (Tamminen et al., 2022): What’s actually said before/after games and how sport-talk can add pressure. utoronto.scholaris.ca+1

• Intervention to Address Spectator Behavior (Reynolds et al., 2021): Evidence that guiding spectator conduct improves the environment. PMC

• Emotional Experiences of Youth Sport Parents (Omli & LaVoi, 2012): How anger and perceived injustices can drive poor sideline behavior. club-referee.ch+1

• Project Play – Youth Sports Facts (Aspen Institute/USU): Accessible, data-driven insights on why kids quit and how to keep sports fun. Project Play+1

• Reviews on Parenting in Sport (Knight, 2017; Dorsch et al., 2021): Overviews of how parent involvement shapes athlete outcomes. PubMed+1

Final word from Dr. Tucci

If you remember only one thing, remember this: Your regulation is their runway. When you manage your own nerves, your athlete can take off—more confident, more resilient, and more in love with their sport.